When Your Friend is in Need: What Should You Say? What Should You Do?

by Shelley Peterman Schwarz

"How are you feeling? I was afraid to call you because I didn't know what to say," explained my neighbor. "I wanted to help you, but I didn't know what you needed and I didn't want to intrude." It wasn't the first time I've heard words to that effect. Ever since my MS diagnosis 19 years ago, friends, relatives, coworkers, and neighbors have expressed similar feelings to me. Whenever we would talk about my illness, I'd find myself consoling them, telling them that it was okay and that I understood why they hadn't reached out to me. In fact I'd tell them, I'd probably feel the same way if I were in their position.

Then a few months ago, I was asked to speak at a woman's group about "When a Friend is in Need: What Should You Say? What Should You Do?" I jumped at the chance to tackle this subject. As I prepared for the talk, I discovered that I had three simple suggestions for helping when a friend was in need.

First, educate yourself. Learn about your friend's illness. Go to the library or bookstore. Read up on the latest information on MS. Call the National Multiple Sclerosis Society and ask for an informational packet.

When I was diagnosed, I remember calling our rabbi. He offered to come over that evening to talk to my husband Dave and me. However, before coming over, our rabbi spent the afternoon in the University of Wisconsin-Madison Medical School library looking up MS. He told us he didn't know what MS was or what he could say until after he read about the illness. His taking the time to learn about what I was going through meant the world to me.

My second suggestion is to reach out both physically and emotionally. Reaching out is hard work for both the person giving and for the person receiving. Let me tell you how hard it was for me to reach out.

Today, I'm pretty together emotionally. I've accepted what's happened to me and moved on. But, it wasn't easy or fast. For the first 10 years of this illness, I cried almost every day. When people asked me how I was doing, the best I could say was, "I'm hanging in there." I was depressed and despondent, even suicidal. Everyday I lost physical abilities. The emotional pain I felt was excruciating. People suggested I call the National MS Society but I wouldn't. I wasn't like THEM. I was in a wheelchair for goodness sake but I was still in denial.

Finally after 11 years, I began to understand that I needed people to talk to who were in my situation. So I attended my first support group meeting where I did find a wonderful group of caring and supportive people.

I'm grateful that my friends and family didn't give up on me. What are some of the things these people did? And continue to do. Let me tell you some of the physical things they did for me.

Several years ago, we were at a house party. The hostess who had been helping me with range-of-motion physical therapy exercises mentioned that she would be over later in the week to help me with my exercises. One of the guests overheard our conversation and asked what range-of-motion exercises were. "Could I learn them?" she asked. "I'd love to help you." I couldn't believe it! I hardly knew this woman. What a caring and giving person she was to offer to get involved. She still comes to my house every other Monday.

When our children were in Hebrew school, I had to give up driving. It was too physically taxing and I felt my reaction time was too slow to be a safe driver. I was 39 years old and our children were 10 and 12. I was devastated. The members of our Hebrew school carpool knew that Dave would pick up my driving responsibilities. But they wouldn't let him. Every Tuesday and Thursday they drove our kids. It was a gift of priceless value.

Here are some of other physical things my friends do for me: they come for dinner and bring the meal; sew on buttons; wrap birthday presents; water plants; write notes I dictate, and drive me to appointments. My friends have their limits, however, - they won't do windows, defrost the freezer or wax the kitchen floor.

My friends don't say, "Call me if you need anything." They put themselves in my position and offer the kind of help they would like to receive if what happened to me, happened to them. You can do the same.

And there have been emotional ways my friends have reached out. They listen to me. You don't have to solve your friends' problems. You can't fix them and make them go away. My friends listen, cry with me and hold me.

Holding a hand and listening with your heart is more valuable than you'll know. Someone once said that God gave us two ears and one mouth. I think that's because we're supposed to listen twice as much as we talk.

Don't be afraid to reach out by asking, "How are you doing?" But don't be surprised if you get an unexpected response. Many years ago when I was undergoing chemotherapy for my MS and was feeling most unattractive, we attended a dinner where I bumped into an acquaintance whom I hadn't seen in years. She had no way of knowing what I had been going through. "Shelley Peterman. I haven't seen you in 15 years. How are you? You look fantastic! … a picture of health." I immediately erupted into gut-wrenching sobs.

If you're more comfortable sending a card or note to say I'm thinking about you that's fine. A note or card is a wonderful expression of friendship. It's the reaching out that's important.

If you feel guilty because you haven't been a very good friend, stop beating yourself up about it! Believe me there is no statute of limitations on when it's too late to reach out to a friend. Pick up that phone and make the call. You'll be glad you did.

My third suggestion for helping a friend in need is: reach out again.

Your friend may not know how to accept the help or friendship you're offering. Be patient as your friend adjusts to a new reality. And if your friend can't accept the support you're offering, don't let that experience keep you from reaching out to the next person in need.

In life, change is inevitable. Growth is optional. By educating yourself about your friend's illness and reaching out both emotionally and physically, you will show how much you care. Your loving and caring deeds will ease your friend's burden. And the world will be a better place because of you.